A letter to an 11 year old me

Well, um, hi. I know I’m sitting here alone but it’s like I can see you here, a little kid with long dark brown hair and scared eyes. You’d cry at the drop of a hat and you’re already feeling insecure about your body. Not even twelve and you’re starting to hate parts of yourself. I wish I could tell you what someone else should have told you from the start: that it doesn’t matter if your legs are bigger than that other girl’s, or if you have a bit of a tummy, or if your body isn’t “perfect” or “beautiful” because you’re beautiful and perfect even if you don’t believe it. You’ve just left primary school and you’re more scared than you let on, but it’s gonna be OK. You’re gonna struggle, of course you are, but you’ll make it. You’ll fly through year 7, year 8, year 9 and you’ll be OK – admittedly you’ll spend some days (and nights) in the midst of a panic attack, shaking and crying and just wanting to throw up, or curl up in a corner and let the world swallow you up and it’ll feel like the end of the world, like nothing else matters but what you’re panicking about, but you’ll get through it. You’ll always come out the other side alive and safe and that’s what matters.

Some old “friends” will make you feel awful for a time, but you’ll realise that they were never really your friend and that time she came up to you and told you to shout at her if she was being mean? Sometimes you have to just shout “you’re not sorry” and leave. Because she isn’t worth your second, third, fourth, fifth chances. You’ll make new friends, and you’ll drift away from them, but in the end you’ll find somewhere you think you belong, somewhere you feel happy enough, and it’s with these people that you’ll spend all of your year 9. Going into GCSE years, things get more complicated. Friendships break down, and you’re not sure why. There are people you’ll want to scream at; anything to make them get out of your life, and there’ll be people you’ll be closer to than you ever thought you would be when you met them; people who you couldn’t imagine life without; people you just want to wrap in bubble wrap and keep safely locked away from the cruel world, but you’ll realise that that isn’t how it works, that you just have to hold people up sometimes, and that’s OK. And it’s OK to let people hold you up sometimes, and that’s one of the hardest life lessons to learn for someone who goes from crying at anything to refusing to let anyone help them.

Music, books, and the night sky will sometimes be your best friends. You can always rely on them, after all. People, even those you trust the most, cannot be depended on to be available at all times, but sometimes all you need is a song, or a chapter or the brightest star in the sky. But, in the end, it’s always best to pour out your emotions to someone, whether it’s your best friend, or an internet friend living on the other side of the world.

I won’t tell you much more, but I hope I made you proud. And I hope, I really hope that I can continue to make you proud, because, in the end, you’re the only person who really knows me, and you’re the only person I can always rely on.

See you in a few years.

xxx

Things that make me happy #1

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When I feel down, I often just look at the sky. I suppose I can blame the Book Thief for that: the sky is always, subtly different, but consistent in that it is always, there. Coated in clouds, as orange as a fire, a brilliant blue or anywhere in between, it is there. But there are so many other things that bring me joy in everyday life that I don’t necessarily notice, and that’s what this list is about. There are things that I didn’t need to think about; things that make me obviously happy, like my friends and music, but then there are the more subtle parts of everyday life that we don’t quite realise make us smile, like a home cooked meal, and it is only when we think about it that we realise that it is in fact, a source of happiness, albeit a less obvious one.

So, here is my first list of things that make me happy. I hope that some of the things on here have the power to make you smile by just thinking of them.

Love, Ellie
xx

sad ramblings about my life, i suppose

i know this makes no sense but right now i don’t make any sense, my emotions are a mess, a tangle of strings pulling me in every direction possible and i just need someone to listen, someone other than the sky and the stars. this was written on a website called 750words where everything you write is saved automatically and is private, and it was a big decision for me to share this but i suppose that sharing with a screen with no one on the other side is much the same as talking to the brightest star in the sky.

i don’t have enough energy to be writing every day and i wish i did, i wish i had energy to do things, to want to be active and doing something, but instead i only have the energy to sit at home on my ipod and i don’t want to do that. i sit downstairs more now because i can’t stand being alone, but i don’t want to be around friends that will pressure me into being social or have to talk to everyone all the time because i don’t have the energy. and everyone’s having parties and having fun without me and i just feel like i’m falling into this pit where people are so far away, and i can hear them, and they reach out to me and say “come on, just get up” but i can’t and i don’t want to try anymore. i want to just stop caring about them, i want to be left alone. i don’t want to be around people and i don’t want to go to parties. i’m tired and i want to sleep. and i tried to tell my friend but i couldn’t get the words out but the one night in august where i was left crying as silently as possible and doing anything i could to get out the emotion locked up inside was probably the tipping point but i suppose even before then i didn’t want to get involved in conversations and i said it was because i didn’t want to be a burden to anyone but it was also because i didn’t have the energy. and i know that i’m not good enough for people, and i’m failing so i’m trying to keep people at arms length so i don’t let them down and i’m finding it so hard not to break promises to people but it’s all i can do to hang on right now so i’m sorry if i can’t always talk to you, and i’m sorry i’m not good enough but everyone makes it clear enough they have other people, that i’m not as important to them as they are to me and i want them to know how important they still are to me but i can’t find the words or the energy to even try to tell them so i guess it’s easier to let them drift away, because maybe that way i won’t disappoint them in a major way later on. i want to tell people that i need them to just be there and give me time and space but i can’t because they wouldn’t understand, or they don’t care enough to stick around long enough for me to feel better and i just wish i came first for someone because i don’t. i might get called someone’s best friend but a best friend is someone you talk to regularly when you’re not necessarily face to face with someone and a best friend is someone you arrange to hang out with and a best friend is someone you go to first when you need a favour and i’m not that for anyone right now.
so, if i can’t come first for anyone, and i can’t be anyone’s best friend, i’ll try to fade out until i’m a good enough person. i’m just worried that by the time i am a better person, there’ll be no one left because they’ll have forgotten i’m there. i used to feel like i was an integral part of my friendship group, now i feel more like a spare part. i wish it could go back to before the fall out and before the split or even to before the summer when i was communicating and i could kid myself into thinking people would make the effort to hold a conversation and keep a friendship going because after the summer, i know that if i’m not the one to put in the effort, no one else will.

Tab for a Cause: raise money for your favorite charity simply by surfing the web.

Tab for a Cause: raise money for your favorite charity simply by surfing the web..

Tab for a Cause is 100% free and raises money for charities! It’s certainly available for Chrome, though I don’t know if it’s available for other browsers. Basically, whenever you open a new tab, you’re redirected to the Tab for a Cause page, and for every time you open a tab, you gain a ‘heart’ and if you manage to recruit more people you gain 250 hearts per person! These hearts can then be “donated” to charities, which raises money from the ads on the site which is donated to the charities.

Basically, it’s a free and easy way to raise money for worthwhile charities so you shoule 100% check it out!

“The only way o…

“The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.” -John Green, Looking For Alaska. As much as I agree with this quote, and with many of John Green’s other works (the man’s amazing, read his books, if you even remotely like YA you will not regret it), sometimes, it might be better […]

Being Emotionally Abused

I am not a professional of any kind, I just want to voice my opinion and raise awareness on the matter 🙂

I felt like I wanted to write something about this after I heard everything about the ‘YouTube scandal’, where many people are coming forward to tell their stories of being emotionally abused or manipulated by YouTubers. I’m not going to name any of those people, but I would like to say I was angered by all of this, because these are people that I used to look up to, people that teenagers, like myself, had as role models. Or idols. And to find that someone you look up to took advantage of others who looked up to them is awful. And that is all I’m going to say about the YouTube side of this.

You can be emotionally abused by anyone. Family, friends, partners, colleagues, anyone in your life could, potentially, emotionally abuse you. Some people might think it can only happen in relationships, but abusive friendships, or toxic friendships, happen a lot. You can tell if you are being emotionally abused if:

1. Your feelings are constantly invalidated.

2. They manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to do

3. When you try to point out something they did wrong, they turn it around and make it about something you did to them.

These are not all the signs, although I think they are good ones to look for. (Like I said, I’m not a professional).

It’s often hard to get out of toxic relationships, especially if you have lots of mutual friends with that person, but the first thing to do is realise that they are emotionally abusing you. Now, you can choose the best path to take. You may want to explain to the person that you class what they are doing as emotional abuse. This person may not be aware that what they are doing is classed as emotional abuse, so you may want to enlighten them – politely of course. (Please note I am not excusing their actions). Stopping all contact with that person is a good thing to do, generally, but not always achievable. If it is not, try to limit one-to-one contact as much as possible and try not to directly address them in group conversations. If you tell your abuser that what they are doing is wrong, and they try their best to change their behaviour, feel proud of yourself. Potentially, you stopped them from doing the same thing they did to you to someone else. If they don’t change, don’t blame yourself. Never blame yourself for being in an abusive relationship, or for not being able to change them. I would not advise forgiving them, even if they do change.

If you are unsure if what is happening to you is emotional abuse, then I suggest you look at more indicators you are in an abusive relationship before you confront the person about it, but if you think you may be, then you should probably talk to the person in question about it anyway.

Emotional abuse comes in varying degrees and forms, and it is never acceptable! Take care of yourselves and your friends, if you’re worried about them being in an emotionally abusive relationship (or if you’re just worried about them in general).

Thank you for taking the time to read, if I help just one person I’d be very happy 🙂

Letting Go and Moving On

I, for one, have great difficulty moving on from relationships and letting go of people. Once I have loved someone, I find it infinitely hard to believe they are anything other than the person I started to love.

So, I get let down. And I ignore it, because, hey, they’re not like that. They were having a bad day, they didn’t mean it, they had something stressing them out. I make up excuses for people, so I don’t have to be angry with them, because I still love them.

Which is why, like I said in my first post, cutting negativity out of my life isn’t always easy, because sometimes it comes from the people I love, and I still have some kind of loyalty towards them, though I probably shouldn’t. People let me down, make me cry, scream, break down multiple times, and yet I can’t find it in myself to let go of them.

I find myself loving not what they have become, but what they used to be.

And my mind seems to be unable to separate the two images, the two sides of the same person. They merge together, and the memories of the person I loved took over, until the new person who lets me down is gone, but next time I am less surprised when they let me down. Because the more it happens, the more I expect it, until I’m walking on eggshells around them, because I don’t want to be the person who causes the argument, because, ultimately, I’m scared of them letting me down again, scared of losing the person I loved and scared of being the one to blame for the final break down of the relationship.

It takes so long, so many harsh comments, so many let downs before I can finally accept that this is a different person to the one I used to know, and to stop calling them a friend.

But even once I’ve reached that stage, I still don’t end the relationship. I continue it, but with no particular liking for that person at all, and I wait for them to cut ties, to say they don’t want to hang out with me anymore. And then, finally, I stop speaking to them, but every time I see something that reminds me of them, the old them, I’ll still smile, forgetting the person they became.

And maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s how I deal with moving on, because I suppose remembering the good times I had with a person is a good thing, but if I could end a relationship, and accept that a person is no longer their old self, I’d move on a lot quicker and spare a lot of heartbreak.

Sorry this was a little all over the place, I just needed to get it out.

The thrill is i…

The thrill is is the chase; never in the capture – Agatha Christie, portrayed by Fenella Woolgar in Doctor Who Series 4 Episode 7 (The Unicorn and the Wasp) Ms Christie herself never actually said this, as far as I know: this is just a line from Doctor Who. However, this quote has stayed with […]

Novel writing difficulties

For NaNoWriMo last year, I started a novel that I first had the idea for back in December 2012. It was great to finally get started – and write almost half of it – but since then I haven’t written any of it. It’s mostly because I got to a point where I was stuck; I knew where it was going to go but not how to get there.

Now, I want to make a lot of changes, completely revamp parts. But, I also have another idea that I really want to start, an idea that, to be quite honest, fascinates me. I’m not sure whether to carry on with my NaNoWriMo and finish it, or revamp it completely before continuing, or start on my new idea.

At 15, I don’t expect to write something worth being published, but to be honest, I’d love to write something with the potential to be published, so maybe, in a few years time, once I have a lot more experience, I could use what I’m writing now as a first draft.

Honestly, though, I doubt I’ll ever write anything worth publishing. I don’t know why I think I can. I wish I hadn’t told my friends that I’d let them read my novel when it’s finished, because they’ll probably laugh about it behind my back and wonder why I could possibly think it’s good.

No matter how much I think my writing’s awful, though, I’ll keep going. Even when I’m not writing stories, I’m thinking of characters, making up strangers’ life stories, writing rants in my head that, hopefully, I’ll be able to publish on here.

Why am I always thinking about stories, and magical fictional worlds? 

Because fiction is better than reality. Everything can be how you want it to be. You can make it your own, build your own castles, towns, villages. Have your own queen and princess, you own Lords and Ladies, your own citizens and commoners. It’s magical, having so many worlds in your head that you control, that you can escape to. It’s difficult to put it into words, how beautiful it is to have all that inside your head. Everybody has the potential to unlock that, to build their own world, and everyone’s is different. You can close your eyes and see a different sky, feel the sun on your skin, be happy.

Because in your own head, you can be anything you want to be. Because sometimes, your own head is the only place to escape to.

So, when building a fantasy world in your head, make yourself the queen – or king. Because you can be.